Testimony by Kim McGhee
My testimony involves a part of my life I'd rather not talk about. The reason I share it is to show how awesome God is. NOTHING is too big for Him to handle. He definitely gets ALL the glory!
I was born in California in July 1962. My family moved to Springfield, Missouri, when I was six and a half years old. We started attending church. My parents, my brother and I all got saved at the same time, I had just turned seven. We were at church every time the doors were open. My brother and I were very involved in the youth group.
There was only one major thing missing for me…a personal relationship with Jesus Christ! I didn't know I could have that. All I knew was that I had my ticket to Heaven and that was all I needed.
I wasn't a bad kid growing up. I didn't drink, smoke, cuss, skip school, etc. I was afraid of getting caught. Plus, I wanted to please my parents.
My parents started attending a different church around the time I was 15 or 16 years old. I decided to drop out of church at this time because I was starting to get bored - probably because I was going for the wrong reasons.
I dated in high school. I went out with several different guys. In fact, I had a couple of opportunities to get married. I was engaged at the age of 18, but I got cold feet. So, I continued to date other guys.
When I was almost 21, I applied for a job at the mall. I got the job - only to find out later that the reason I got the job was because the owner had a crush on me. It was at this point that my life started on a downhill slide. The owner was a woman and that is how I got involved in the homosexual lifestyle.
Like most teenagers, I wanted to be popular in school, but wasn't. I always wanted everyone to like me. I did have a lot of friends and I grew up in a great atmosphere at home, so I don't know where I got off track. I always kind of wondered if I was a little different than my other friends, because they were always so "boy crazy". I liked guys - just not as much as they did. I didn't feel comfortable alone with them. I felt like I had to be prissy and that just wasn't me. So, I figured there was something wrong with me.
Satan starts planting bad seeds when you are a little kid, so he'll have plenty of ammo to use against you when you get older. He knew exactly what buttons to push with me, because I was totally accepted by everyone in the homosexual community. I could be myself and not worry about anyone judging me. I got a lot of attention and loved it! He knew what tools to use to suck me into the lifestyle.
I lived that way for 14 years of my life. I thought I was happy. At least that's what satan tried to convince me of with all the new people he put in my life. The sad thing is they didn't even know they were being used by him. I finally felt like I was "somebody" in the world, because of all the attention I was getting, but I can remember never being totally at ease with this new identity. In fact, I think deep down I was more ashamed of who I was than anything. I was definitely not proud. I know the reason was because I had the Holy Spirit living inside of me. Praise God! He said He would NEVER leave me or forsake me, and He didn't! (Hebrews 13:5).
Because I was so unsettled on the inside, I started drinking, trying drugs, hanging out at the bars, etc. I was hiding from the person I was trying so hard to be. I was in a lot of bondage at this point and very confused.
Every time the Holy Spirit (my conscience) would try to tell me what I was doing was not in agreement with God's plan for my life…(Jeremiah 29:11…"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope.") I would casually push Him to the side and go on the way I was living. Also, satan had plenty of his little helpers telling me things like "You're okay because you were saved when you were little." It's your life, you're not hurting anybody and you should be able to do what you want" (1Cor. 6:19-20 "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit Who is in you whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price; therefore glorify God in your body.") Or, "You can't help it, you were born this way." You're a good person." "It's not your fault if the person you happen to fall in love with is the same sex." Etc.etc. All of that is one BIG LIE straight from the pit of hell. How could I be born that way? It's impossible. We were ALL created in the image of God! (Gen. 1:27) "God created man in His Own image, in the image of God He created Him; male and female He created them."
I even had someone who was studying to be a pastor tell me I was okay because I was a good person. I was so excited because I always wanted it to be okay with God. I always had the fear of God in me. I believed everything and everybody that agreed with the way I was living. I was totally brainwashed! I tried to convince myself, with satan's help, that God would make this one exception just for me. But 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 says "Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the Kingdom of God." These verses kept creeping back into my mind. We have to remember that God is no respector of persons - what He will do for one person, He will do for everyone. (Romans 2:11 "For there is no partiality with God.")
At one point, satan had my mind so twisted that I remember wishing I would have been raped or sexually abused in some way so I would have an excuse to be a homosexual. I didn't want the responsibility of it being my choice, but, that's exactly what it was - MY CHOICE! I had to live with that.
My pastor said something once that I will never forget…"You can choose your sin, but you can't choose your consequence!" At that point I always wondered where I would spend eternity if I died. That's a scary place to be.
I kept trying to get out of the lifestyle, but would eventually fall right back into it, because I didn't remove myself from the atmosphere and was constantly being tempted. That's why it's so important to surround yourself with the things of God! The problem was I was the one trying. I was convinced there was nothing I could do, so I just accepted it and went on. But it was hard because I had absolutely NO peace whatsoever! God was definitely NOT in control of my life!
This lifestyle made me a huge liar! I was acting like my god (satan) at that point. (John 8:44 "You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.") Everything was a lie at this point in my life. I couldn't remember who I told what, but lying to my family was the worst, because we had always been very close. It bothered me to hide this from them, but I knew they couldn't handle the truth. So, I lived two separate lives.
One day, I just got tired of all the lies and finally confirmed their worst nightmare. I was living the homosexual lifestyle! It crushed them, just like I knew it would. They couldn't accept it because it went against everything they believed about God's way of living (Romans 1:18-32). They took their stand for God and we didn't talk for about five months. It was the hardest five months of my life. I knew they were right and I was wrong, but I wasn't ready to admit it.
I went through so many different emotions. I didn't know what I was doing half of the time. I was so miserable at one point, I even considered suicide. But, I figured I would just mess that up too. I continued my relationship with the person I was with for a short time after that - it didn't last very long. So, I told all of my "friends" that I was going to get out because I couldn't handle it anymore. Their response was, "Yeah right, you'll come back, you always do." But, I said…"No I won't, it's different this time." I knew that God was really dealing with me and I was ready for a change. I craved that peace in my life, the kind that HE ALONE can give! He was beginning to draw me back to Himself and I know it's because my parents, my brother and my grandpa were on their knees everyday crying out to God to change me. Praise God…it worked! (James 5:16 "…The effective fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.")
One day in my room I finally cried out to God. I was so tired of my life and the mess I had made of it. I told Him that if I wasn't born this way and if it was wrong for me to live this way, I wanted Him to change me from the inside out. I needed Him to change the desires of my heart, because I had already tried and it didn't work. (Ezekiel 36:26 "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a new heart of flesh.") In other words…HE will give you NEW desires and they will be right! I needed HIS strength, not mine (Phil. 4:13 " I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.") He did just that…and no, it didn't happen overnight. I'm not saying that He can't do that, but it didn't happen that way in my case. I had to do my part too.
I started attending Ridgecrest Baptist Church. I joined the church, got involved in a Sunday school class and started going to a Bible study on Friday nights. Before I knew it, I was going to a different Bible study 5 nights a week! (it was awesome!) Basically, I surrounded myself with nothing but "God stuff". That was a huge turning point in my life. God saw that I was serious. I had truly repented…which means "To turn from sin and resolve to reform one's life." He TOTALLY changed me and cleaned me up. And He didn't' do it half way either. My life did a total 180 degree turn.
He surrounded me with an awesome group of friends in Bible studies and at church. Everyone made me feel like I was a part of their family. God knows exactly what you need and exactly when you need it! (It goes back to that acceptance thing that everyone craves!)
I didn't tell any of my newfound friends about my past for about two years. I was afraid of what they would think of me. Satan kept telling me they wouldn't want anything to do with me and that they would be disgusted just looking at me. Well, that was another lie straight from the pit of hell. You would think I would get tired of listening to that jerk!
When I finally did tell my friends, they did exactly the opposite of what I expected. Here's what they said to me through tears of joy, "We love you more now than we did before!" That is true Christian love - absolutely NO judgment at all. God is so AWESOME! They tried to help me, because they knew I had been living with guilt and condemnation for two solid years after coming back to Jesus. God doesn't want His kids to live like that, because they don't have to. (Romans 8:1 "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". For the power of the life giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death.")
It's really cool the way He uses different ways to help people get over things they're dealing with. The way He helped me was through a song by Vicki Yoh'e called "Under The Blood". I heard it on the radio one day as I was driving down the road. It talked about getting over your past and forgetting about it because God already has. One line that really got
to me was "I'm over the guilt and shame because it's under the blood." WOW! That was awesome! I've just recently been able to "GET OVER IT" because I got to thinking one day…"how can I serve God the way He needs me to if I'm sitting here wallowing in the past?" Praise God, He is patient! I have forgiven myself…finally! I wear a ring now that says "Forgiven" on it…facing me so I can read it everyday! J
God scooped me up right out of the depths of hell and put me back on track again. I didn't have to get cleaned up before I came to God. I left that job for Him, because everytime I tried, I failed. God NEVER fails!
I am now a NEW creature in Christ, Old things have passed away, behold ALL things become new! (2 Corinthians 5:17)
No matter what things may look like on the outside, don't EVER give up on someone. You don't know what God is doing on the inside. It doesn't always change overnight. My family prayed for me for 14 long years, and I want to thank them, because if they hadn't, who knows where I would be right now! Praise God for prayer!
There's one thing about Jesus - His arms are ALWAYS open and ready for us to come to Him or even to come back to Him. It doesn't matter what we've done - NOTHING is too bad or too big for God! (Isaiah 1:18 "Come now, let reason together, says the Lord, though your sins are as scarlet, they will be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they will be like wool.") "NOTHING is impossible for my God" Luke 1:37.
God has given me several scriptures that I call my own…(I actually have my name written beside them)…here is an example: (Psalm 40:1-3 "I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord.")
I feel God has called me to reach out to people who are going through the same struggles I went through. Sometimes it is easier to talk to someone who's "been there, done that." So, that is what I am doing with my life. I want to help people who are hurting and who are looking for TRUE peace and joy! Because Jesus is our ONLY source!
There is a way out of the homosexual lifestyle and His Name is JESUS CHRIST! God bless you all!
